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Daily Laugh!

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The lottery numbers for Saturday 23rd January 1999 were 01, 08, 
10, 17, 32, 47 and the bonus number was 02.
________________________________

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the 
counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.  I've 
never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me 
horny... keep me potent."

The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer 
and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label "Viagra 
Extra Strength" and says,

"Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."

The next day the man walks into the same chemist, right up to the 
same bloke and pulls down his pants.  The pharmacist looks in 
horror as he notices the man's willy is black and blue, and the 
skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says,  "Gimmie a tube of Deap Heat."

The bloke replies,

"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are 
you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms.  The girls didn't show up."
_____________________________________

My wife uses fabric softner.  I never knew what that stuff was 
for.  Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 
'Married!' (walk off).  That's how they mark their territory!  
You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh 
scent out of your clothes.
_____________________________________

Two men are in a bar getting drunk.  Suddenly one of them throws 
up all over himself.  He says "Oh, no.  Now my wife will kill 
me".  His friend says "Don't worry.  Just tuck a twenty pound 
note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw 
up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bil".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.  
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad 
time.  "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over 
yourself, my god you're disgusting" etc, etc.

Speaking very carefully so as to not slur, he says, "Wait.  It's 
not what you think.  I only had one drink, but this man was sick 
on me, he'd obviously had too many, or else he just couldn't hold 
his beer.  He was very sorry and he gave me twenty pounds for the 
cleaning bill.  Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty 
pounds."

"Ah, yes." says the man.  "He shat in my trousers too".

_____________________________________
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving all over 
the road.  He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need 
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.  If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma 
attack."
"Okay, fine.  I need you to come down to the station to give a 
blood sample."
"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac.  If I do that, I'll 
bleed to death."
"Well then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either.  I am also a 
diabetic.  If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white 
line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk!"

___________________________________
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to 
the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her 
head, fast asleep.  Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled 
under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.  Afterward, as 
he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to 
find breakfeast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.  "How'd 
you get down here so fast?" he asked.  "We were just making 
love!" "Oh my God, "his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! 
She came over early and had complained of having a headache.  I 
told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran 
to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened.  Why 
didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't 
spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start 
now!"


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